It’s true. I am. I didn’t think I was, but it’s been boiling and stewing for awhile now, and you know what? I don’t want to hear jokes about feminism, and I don’t want to hear jokes about women. Or blacks. Or gays. Or any other targeted group*. You know why? Because they aren’t funny, and they make me mad. And if that makes me an angry, humorless feminist, then someone please print me a button and subscribe me to the secret e-mail list. I am what I am.
It’s taken me awhile to realize this, though, and I only finally decided to write about it when I read Beckyverb’s post this morning. And the rant goes something like this:
Jokes about women — as a group, half the species — aren’t funny. And I’m so sick of feeling like I need to shut up and roll my eyes instead of speaking up when someone breaks out the female jokes, because I don’t want to have to explain that it’s not funny. Because when I do say that, I get told it’s just a joke, and what am I, some kind of angry, humorless feminist?
Yes, goddamnit, I am.
The jokes aren’t funny, and furthermore, I shouldn’t just laugh it off as harmless because it’s “just a joke”. No one should. Because it’s all of the “just a joke” jokes that make up a cultural background. Example: sitcoms playing off “women love shoes!” as wacky, which leads to people — male and female alike — telling me I’m less of a woman because I don’t like shoe shopping. And I’m sick of it. I don’t like shoe shopping because I have serious foot problems which mean I can only wear fully supportive shoes, which means, as I’ve been told by shocked, simply shocked! women, “No cute shoes!” And you know what the tragedy is? It’s that my fucking feet hurt, not that I can’t buy cute shoes. And I’m tired of the cute shoes being valued over my feet, and I’m sick and fucking tired of jokes that make shoes a sign of femininity, and mildly more important that my foot pain. It’s not harmless if it makes me want to apologize for having foot problems, because I’m ashamed I’m not feminine enough to suit societal standards. I’ve been told, actually told word for word, that women are just supposed to torture their feet if it hurts to wear cute shoes. I was told this by a woman, in fact. How screwed up is a culture that makes people willing to injure themselves to meet someone else’s arbitrary standards?
Fuck that. The jokes aren’t funny. And they’re not harmless. Jokes about women being crazy? Make it easy for men to ignore the feelings of actual women. Jokes about women being bad drivers and clueless about cars? Make it easy for women to be unfairly charmed more when buying cars and insurance. Jokes about women being not as bright or talented as men? Make it easy to assume that women aren’t as bright or talented as men. “Just a joke” my ass. Jokes are part of a larger cultural background; their humor — or attempts at humor — only exists because of that background. The fact that it’s acceptable to make jokes about half the population based on the fact that they possess a vagina is a reflection of scorn aimed at people who possess a vagina.
And no, for the record, I’m not thrilled with how television treats men, either, because I don’t think men are all beer-guzzling, obtuse, lazy idiots. And if wanting to scream when someone says “But those jokes don’t bother men!” makes me an angry, humorless feminist, then yep, that’s what I am.
So when the situation comes up in conversation and I don’t laugh at the joke, I do feel guilty for not explaining to the failed comedian in question why the joke isn’t funny. Because I don’t want to have to explain how jokes reflect culture and that culture hurts people, only to have to answer…
“You just want everyone to be PC, and I’m not! That’s just who I am!”
Because I’m-just-not-PC-guy? Can jump in a fucking lake. I have heard one rational argument against “PC culture” which was that it can make people afraid of having real discourse, for fear of offending someone, and real discourse is needed to actually change things. I’m not sure I agree, but fair enough — but that’s a far cry from, “My joke was funny and you don’t like it because you’re the PC police!”
Because here’s the thing: if you’re in a position where you can laugh at a joke about a targeted group, but you are not, in fact, a member of that group, you are coming from some serious fucking privilege there. Yeah, it’s easy for guys to joke about how when girls get PMS, they go crazy! Because you know what? No one is ever going to roll his eyes and not take a dude seriously, because, “It’s probably just PMS talking.” No one is going to discount his opinions, feelings, or thoughts on the basis of gender. So yeah, you can laugh at the jokes, because the culture they create doesn’t affect you. But it does affect me, and you know what, I don’t think that’s funny.
But I don’t say this, because having already stated that the joke wasn’t funny, and explained how “just a joke” hurts real people, I don’t then want to go on to educate people about their own privilege, which they, more than likely, don’t want to hear about anyway. Because the thing is, it isn’t my job to educate people. I’m more than willing to have a conversation with someone who is interested in what I have to say, in sharing and exchanging viewpoints. But that doesn’t tend to be the result of telling someone his joke isn’t funny. Instead, you get called an angry, humorless feminist.
So I guess that’s what I am.
And the thing is, it’s hard. I would like for people to see me as funny; when you’re constantly telling people that really common forms of humor aren’t funny, they’re hurtful, and that you’re kind of being an insensitive jerk if you think they are funny, well, it makes it hard for people to think you’re funny. And if people start to think you have a knee-jerk reaction to everything — which I kind of do, because it’s really hard to turn this feminist lens off, and goddamnit, sexism is everywhere — they tend to get dismissive and condescending. I have no interest in being treated like that. I have no interest in opening up my views to scorn from people who don’t give a shit about them. It’s picking battles, and more often than not, I decide not to fight. Which kind of, secretly, just makes me angrier, and it makes me feel guilty, and I don’t know what to do about it.
And also, given the stereotype feminist who is angry, humorless, manhating, and probably a hairy-legged lesbian at that, I’d like it if people who already know (and more or less like) me could equate me with feminism instead of the stereotype, because it’s easy to Other the stereotype and not have any interest in what feminism is about as a result. It’s harder to Other someone you actually know…until you have a reason to write her off as one of those weirdo Others. Admitting that yes, I’m angry, and risking being seen as humorless because I don’t think non-funny jokes are funny immediately gets me Othered, a situation which is no fun.
So where’s the balance? What to do?
I don’t know. But I do know that I decided awhile ago to pick rape jokes out of the many, many anti-woman jokes out there, and when I hear one, I say it’s not funny. I say why. I explain it. And if people don’t want to hear me, I can’t make them, but rape jokes I will not sit idly by and listen to; I won’t seethe inwardly the way I do about shoe jokes. And yup, that means that there are times I get Othered and written off as an angry, humorless feminist.
But I think I’m okay with that, and hopefully someday I’ll actually figure out how to express myself when jokes make me uncomfortable, and I’ll be brave enough to do it. Instead, until then, I take comfort in the fact that I’d rather be an angry, humorless feminist than a complete douchebag who thinks sexism is funny.
(Meanwhile, in “Things That Are Awesome” news, there is Finally A Feminism 101 Blog. Rockin’.)
* I’ll be referring to women in the post, but please continue to read the theme of, “Or blacks, gays, and other targeted minorities.”
I’m always stunned how shocked people look when you just calmly say “Hey! Rape? Not. Funny. Yes, prison-rape jokes about men too. Not. Funny.”
In one of Sheri S. Tepper’s novels she has an older sister explaining to a younger brother how the other boys were wrong: they were saying that women liked being sexually forced, really, because they liked fooling around well enough. Below is the gist, paraphrased:
You like cakes, don’t you? Just imagine that I took a cake, and instead of giving it to you to eat how you chose I shoved it into your mouth and then sat on you and pushed that cake down your throat with a stick, not caring how much it hurt or how much you bled or how many of your teeth got broken. And then when you complained to someone else about me hurting you, all they said was “But you like cakes!”.
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I <3 this post.
‘Course, I get the “you’re just too sensitive” thing a lot more than “you’re just a humourless feminist” one, but I’m starting to suspect that it all comes from the same place anyway.
And tigtog — that’s exactly the metaphor I’m going to use now when people try to slip rape apology past me. Thanks.
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Great post. Got nothing more to add really.
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I so relate to the “what to do?” question. It’s tough to reach a closed (or inactive) mind. I think choosing the one thing to publicly (outside blogging, of course) critize, the rape “joke,” is a good tactic. That’s such an extreme thing to joke about anyway (wouldn’t ya think?) that it might be a little easier to reach people than shoe “jokes,” which “seem” harmless because they’re perhaps more subtle.
I too admire the cake analogy and will try to commit it to my sieve-like memory.
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I’m always interested in this particular topic. I surfed in here via, uh *checks*, Spanblather, who I hadn’t read before this evening, but who’s a fellow Kiwi which is how I wound up there (ah, internet).
I actually use what I guess you could call “humour privilege” to put down this kind of stuff around me. I’m sure saying this could be perceived as arrogance rather than just knowing one’s strengths, but I’m a funny person and it’s something that I know I’m known for. I use that to lay on the smackdown when people make offensive jokes. Not always, because we all pick our battles, but usually. People tend to shut up or take it more seriously if someone they consider funny tells them right out that they’re not amused by person’s attempt at a “joke” made at the expense of some oppressed/minority group.
I think, to an extent, that I deliberately cultivate humour as a skill that helps in situations like these. As in, it’s natural to me but as I’ve become aware of other people’s responses to me I’m now aware I’ve got it as a weapon that I can use in making political points and expressing counter-cultural opinions especially re. women’s rights. You might not like what I’m saying or it might be an angle you haven’t considered before in this little patriarchy of ours, but you’ll damn well be laughing at the way I’m espressing it!
I refer to the racist/misogynist/sexist/ablist etc. jokes as “lowest common denominator” ‘jokes’. If you can’t come up with a way to be funny without resorting to a tired stereotype then you have no business even trying. Just shut your piehole. It’s the same way people bitch endlessly about the supposed PC-ification of the world. Sounds to me like a) there’re a whole bunch of white people desperate to use words like “chink” and “n*****” again and b) they can’t be funny without a loaded slur word doing the hard yards for them with an audience who’ve grown up immersed our racist/sexist/whatever culture.
The only potential issue I see with this is that at least part of my funniness comes from having had a good education and wide exposure to different things. That gives you far more of a general knowledge which can be mined and conjured up on the spur of the moment. I’m aware of that and wonder what the answer is, there. It tends to suggest to me that people without that kind of access are never going to be able to be hugely funny without falling back on tired cultural clichés that do part of the work for them until larger social change takes place and expels those tired stereotypes (I won’t hold my breath). I don’t want to feel like non-offensive humour is available only in certain segments of society, so I’d be happy if someone would point out that I’m insane and have missed something really obvious here. It just seems to me in writing this comment (without having thought about it at greater length) that actually moving beyond this lowest common denominator humour may raise issues of class/wealth/education. I mean, there are always fart jokes to unite us all, but well…
- Helen
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Tigtog: I honestly don’t get why people are surprised. I like the cake analogy a lot as a beginning, but almost wish there was a more violent analogy than cake eating. Hmm.
Baby221: I get “you’re just too sensitive” a *lot* too, but at least the people who respect me have started trying to avoid setting me off. It’s just annoying how rare it is to have someone get the difference between being generally sensitive and being sensitive to *issues that matter*.
Kristjan Wagner: Thanks!
Bitty: The way I see it, at least people can generally agree that rape = bad, even if they’re misinformed about what rape is (a whole ‘nother topic). Which makes it less shocking when you point out that it isn’t funny. Women driver/shoe/etc jokes, though, people don’t tend to *get* why they’re harmful, which is so frustrating.
Helen: Interesting thoughts about comedy and privilege…I will definitely have to ponder that for awhile. I do agree, though, being someone who’s considered funny makes it easier to get a point about humor across. I was the writing coordinator for a college comedy troupe a few years ago, and my cardinal rule was no rape jokes. The thing is, not a single sketch ended up worse for it — the sketches I asked people to edit rape jokes out of were *much* better after, because the writer actually had to *think* about the humor and the jokes, and be creative. Rape jokes, like 90% of blue humor, get used out of laziness, which is always detrimental to comedy. (Unlike blue humor, though, the rape jokes that aren’t lazy tend to be malicious, which is even worse. Oy.)
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Somehow I missed this until just now.
I heard a lot of these jokes where I grew up. I eventually got to where I could just look at them blank-faced and say, “That’s it? Where’s the punchline?”
They usually accused me of humorless feminism anyway, so I’d tell a joke where the humor rests entirely on knowing something like – oh, that the French supposedly love Jerry Lewis. My audience usually didn’t know that, so they wouldn’t get my “joke” at all. I’d explain that in my experience women are a lot smarter than men and certainly better at humor, which was why I didn’t get their “joke” either.
I don’t know if it ever got through to anybody, but there.
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